


Godspeed

by icyshark



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Fix-It, Flashbacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Suicide Attempt, i want him to be full and real and i hope i can make that happen, i want josh to be more than just some cuddly innocent thing, i want to make this more than just a basic fix it fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-09 05:36:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5527949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icyshark/pseuds/icyshark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh is rescued from the mines thanks to Sam, but he is not forgiven by anyone. Yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This game fucked. me. up., you guys. Like, I played it three times in two days. I'm absolutely obsessed, and, like many others, I hoped desperately for a better ending for the beloved Josh Washington. I'm not pleased with a lot of fics I've found so far, so I'm writing my own. Enjoy!

Sam thought she'd never want to fucking talk to him again. He lied to them, humiliated her by filming her in the bath, and psychologically tortured his best friends for "fun". She was ready to kill him. And then Mike told them Jess was dead, and everything changed. Suddenly, Josh wasn't the villain. The threat was something real, something far darker than what Josh had done. When the boys dragged him out to the shed, Sam wanted to protest, but Emily needed her and she felt forced to stay. Even after everything he did, she didn't trust Mike and Chris not to hurt Josh, and she wanted to protect him from them. It was hard to let go of seven years of friendship in one night.

After the twins died, she tried, really, really tried to reach out to Josh, to check on him every once in a while. He’d dropped out of school for a while because doctors deemed him too unstable to go back and have any success, so she didn’t see him around all that much. They'd hung out a little at the beginning, and he'd cried and opened up a little to her every time, but all at once, he stopped inviting her over. It drove Sam nuts. Every now and then she’d shoot him a message on Facebook or text him, just to ask how he was doing. To his credit, he always responded, but Sam knew it was all lies. If he was really “fine,” why wasn’t he back in school? Why wouldn’t his parents let her see him? Those three months were the worst of it. Sam wanted so desperately to help, but she couldn’t, and that hurt.

He had gone dark for the entire month of May, but when summer rolled around, Josh seemed completely fine. After a month of total silence, he was hanging out with people again, having sleepovers with Chris and going to parties with Mike and Emily. When Sam saw him, he smiled. He laughed. His eyes looked alive, more alive than they had in a while.

She remembered seeing him at a party. She wasn’t drinking, and though Josh had a cup in his hand, Sam never saw him take a sip.

“Sam!” He shouted, finally seeing her from across the room. Smile on his face, he wove through the throng of bodies in the kitchen to join her on the little loveseat by the back porch.

“Hey, Josh,” she said with a smile, trying to keep calm. Truth be told, he made her a little nervous.

“Hey, so,” he started, then stopped to laugh a humorless laugh and rub his eyes. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while, but, uh. . . anyway, I just wanted to say that. . . I really appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me, after. . . you know.”

Sam was speechless for a moment. “Josh, of course. Your sisters are my best friends, and you're my friend too.”

Josh smiled, but it was tight on his face. “You can say they “were,” you know. It’s okay.”

“Josh,” Sam said, placing a gentle hand on his knee. He said nothing, but took her hand in his own. She searched his face for distress, and though he was clearly upset, he seemed calm about it.

He squeezed her hand. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

That was five months before the reunion at the lodge, and his performance was pretty convincing. Sam genuinely thought that he might be okay. She never would have gone back if she thought he wasn’t. Just because he was sick didn’t make any of it okay.

Logically, Sam knew this. And at first, she was fucking pissed. Really fucking pissed. She felt betrayed by Josh, but she also felt betrayed by herself for thinking that they might have had a connection when it was all just an act to him. After the anger came sadness and regret. If only she could have found Hannah sooner. If she had stopped her from entering the guest room, none of this would have happened. How could she let it? Why didn’t she stand in that room and stop them herself? How could she let their friends do something so awful? She wondered if she’d ever stop blaming herself. She wondered if she’d ever stop blaming her friends. After all, they were the ones who did that to Hannah, that made her run off, that killed her and Beth both. They killed them, and even if it was an accident, what they did made Josh into something he never should have been. They made him cruel. They made him crazy.

That all seemed so petty after the mines.

When the search team dragged Josh’s body from the earth, Sam thought her heart would explode. Emotion overwhelmed her, but all she could remember were the tears streaming down her cheeks and whispering “thank God, thank God” over and over under her breath.

After they were picked up, helicopters flew them to a hospital in Alberta. Jess, Mike, and Emily had more severe injuries, but the rest of them were discharged after two days of running some tests to make sure their brains hadn’t completely turned into scrambled eggs. After a few days, all eight of them were shipped home to California. Sam went home for long enough to cry in the shower and put on some fresh clothing before she found herself driving back to the hospital to see Josh.

He was like a baby, dwarfed by the blankets they piled on him. He had bad hypothermia, and they thought for a while that he might lose a few toes to frostbite, but, by miracles of modern medicine and Mr. Washington’s deep pockets, they managed to keep his body in tact. She sat by his bedside for days, just staring, and thought about what she’d say to him when he woke up.

_I’m mad at you, but I’m glad you’re alive._

_How could you do this to us? What the fuck is_ wrong _with you?_

_I know you never meant to hurt anyone. I know you just need some help._

_You're fucking crazy._

_I’d never forgive myself if you died too._

Even with all that practice, she wasn’t ready for when it actually happened.

His thick lashes quivered, and Sam was on her feet in a second. Josh’s eyes moved beneath his lids before they slowly cracked open. He blinked and looked around the room, eyes finally landing on Sam. His face crumpled.

“Sam, what did I do?” She couldn’t stop the tears, so she leaned into him and wove her arms around Josh’s neck. His wrists were restrained, strapped to the bed. Sam didn’t want to know why, and Josh didn’t seem ready to acknowledge them. God, it was all fucked. She pulled away.

“We should call a nurse,” he said quietly, reaching for her hand.

“I don’t want to,” she replied, sniffling softly.

They held hands for a moment before Sam sighed and started crying again.

“God, I have so much shit I want to say to you.”

“I know,” Josh said dejectedly. “And I deserve all of it.”

“No, no,” Sam shook her head. “I mean, yes. Kind of. I am so fucking mad at you that I can't even speak, but. . .”

Josh swallowed thickly. “But?”

Sam was thoughtful for a long time before she replied.

“They were going to leave you.” Her voice was hard and small.

“What?”

“When the lodge was burning, with all of the. . . things inside, and the helicopters came, they weren’t going to look for you.” Josh was silent, breathing shallowly. “For a second, for a split second, I didn’t care whether they went to look for you or not. I was still so angry. But the screams from inside the lodge. . . woke me up, in a way. That night was so much bigger than you and whatever it was that you were trying to accomplish. In that moment, I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t make them stay and look for you.”

“Sam, I- thank you,” Josh said a little breathlessly.

She shrugged. “You would have done the same for me,” she said, even though she knew it wasn't true.

Josh seemed overwhelmed. “And, and, everyone else? Are they all okay? Is everyone safe?” This experience had apparently changed him just as much as it had changed Sam, and everyone else too, she imagined. Whatever conflict existed between them before didn’t matter. What mattered to him was that they survived.

“Yes, everyone is safe,” Sam soothed. All of it was an act, but she didn't want to let Josh see the terror inside. She wasn't ready to see it, either. “We’re all a little roughed up, but I think we’ll be okay.”

“Sam, I am so sorry,” he croaked, pulling at his restraints. “I feel so fucking stupid. I never meant-”

He stopped mid-sentence, eyes suddenly foggy. It was like he had turned to stone, so still that Sam could hardly see him breathing. His hand went limp.

"Josh?" Sam said quietly, rising slowly to stand.

“She was there,” he whispered suddenly, voice low and ragged. “She was there with me, in the darkness. She came out of the pig, it was her tattoo, it was her, it was _her_ , she told me, she told me. . .”

Sam’s breath was shallow. “What did she tell you, Josh? What did Hannah tell you?”

“She told me that it’s my fault, all my _fault_! I did this, it was me, me, my fault, my fault she died, my fault that she starved down there, my fault she ate her, god, she _ate_ her! Fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck_! I don’t take orders from you! I don’t, I don’t, I- fuck!” He screamed and lurched forward to grab at Sam, held back by the leather straps at his wrists.

“Jesus,” Sam breathed, rushing to the door. Her hands were sweating so badly she could hardly grab the handle. “Nurse! Please, somebody help!”

“Sam, Sam, please!” He shouted, screams turning into moans and heaving sobs. “Sammy, help me, please! She has me, Sam, she has me! Help, help, oh God!”

Nurses and orderlies flooded into the room as Sam backed into the wall, helpless. Josh thrashed and screamed and called for her while they held him down and sedated him. It was all she could do to stay standing. She’d never seen anyone like that, not in real life, and it was Josh writhing around in front of her. However tortured he was before, this experience fucking wrecked him. Josh slipped into unconsciousness, but his ragged, desperate energy still rolled over Sam in waves. Someone gently took her by the arm and guided her from the room, but Sam was somewhere else entirely.

Had he been like that the entire time she'd known him? What if she caught him in a rare moment of clarity? What if he babbled like that forever and she caught the last sliver of consciousness? Sam felt sick enough that she was worried she might actually vomit. She had to get home, now.

Her shaky fingers managed to unlock her phone and make the call. It rang six times before Chris answered.

“Sam?”

“Chris,” she gasped, relieved. “Thank you, thank you for picking up.”

Chris sounded confused. “Yeah, of course. Are you okay?”

“Can you- can you come and get me please?” Sam croaked, tears slipping down her cheeks. “I don’t think it’s safe for me to be behind the wheel right now.”

“Uh, okay,” Chris said, and Sam heard his keys jingling in the background. “Where are you?”

Sam hesitated. “The hospital.”

Chris was so silent Sam thought he might have hung up.

“You went to see him?” A question that wasn’t a question.

“Yes.”

“Sam, I-” he cut himself off, sighing. Sam could see him shaking his head. “Alright. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

The line went dead and Sam tucked her knees into her chest. She hated waiting.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“He tried to kill himself, you know.”

Sam blinked. “What?”

They were sitting in Chris’ house, Sam with her knees to her chest and wrapped in three blankets on his couch. The blinds were drawn, which confused Sam for two reasons: first, she would think that light would be more comforting than darkness, and second because she kind of found the darkness comforting, too. Already, calling Chris was proving to be a good decision.

Chris nodded, but didn’t look at her. “Once when we were younger. Fifteen, maybe? That one, his parents didn’t know about. Just me and Beth.”

“How?” Sam breathed, chest tight.

“Tried to overdose on his mom’s sleeping pills. Beth found him in the bathroom and called me. Made him throw it up.”

Silence.

“The next time was after. Already, he wasn’t great about taking his meds. I don’t know if he ever was, and I’ve known him a long fucking time. But, after that night at the lodge, I guess he finally felt ready to take them. Took the whole bottle at once.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sam whispered. Her hand was cold on her chest.

Chris sniffled, but his eyes were dry. “His parents found him that time. Remember when he didn’t talk to us, like at all, for like a month?”

Sam nodded.

“That’s because they sent him to the nuthouse,” Chris said, standing up. “I don’t know how he convinced them he was better and got released, but, evidently, he wasn’t.”

He padded on socked feet into the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water. He pointed at it, and Sam nodded, so he made a second glass for her. She thanked him quietly when he sat back down. It was strange to be there; Sam and Chris, though they hung out together with the Washingtons, were never very close friends. Sam had never been to his house before this. Being forced together was unusual and more than a little uncomfortable.

“Why did he do it?” Sam whispered, resting her head on her knee.

Chris sighed into his glass and shrugged. “I don’t know. I think- I think maybe he just wanted some control in his life, you know? I mean, everywhere, we saw shit like ‘you can’t change the past’ and all that, so I think. . . I don’t know. In some weird, twisted way, this was Josh attempting damage control.”

Sam’s brows knitted together. “So, you think he brought us all up there because-?”

“Because even though he couldn’t go back and stop the prank and what happened to Hannah and Beth, he could control what happened to everyone who was there that night. In his eyes, justice was never served. No one got punished.”

“Then why were we there?” Sam sighed, setting her glass on the table. “You and I, I mean. We had nothing to do with the prank.”

“Well,” Chris said, wiping his hands on his pants. “I think I was there because he wanted me and Ashley to get together.”

Sam recoiled. “What?”

Chris rubbed the back of his neck, pained. “Yeah, he, uh. . . outside the lodge, he said something about a ‘traumatic event’ bringing us closer or something. I think I was there to, like, set that all up. I think he thought he was helping me.”

“Fuck, he told me that too,” Sam mumbled, covering her eyes. “Josh, why?”

“I know, I know,” Chris said, shuffling in his seat a little. “He’s just sick, you know? He just. . . doesn’t understand.”

Sam fought down tears. “What about me then? What the hell was I doing there? I tried to stop the prank, he knows I did! Why, why would he want to do something like that to me?”

“I-,” Chris started awkwardly. Slowly, he raised his hand to rest it on her back. The whole situation was still weird as hell, but his hand was big and warm on Sam’s back, and she was glad he was there.

“Look,” he sighed again, slumping his shoulders and leaning into Sam more. “I don’t really know what to tell you. I thought about it too, and nothing really makes sense. Maybe he just wanted you there so no one would get suspicious?”

Sam scoffed. “That’s charitable of you, Chris, but I think it’s something else.”

“Really?”

“Well,” Sam said, sitting up a little bit. “I have two theories, one that’s a lot better and more optimistic, and one that’s. . .”

“I getcha,” Chris nodded.

“Option One: he just wanted me there. When we were down starting the boiler, he thanked me- personally- for coming for the weekend. He- I don’t know. He talked to me sometimes, after they disappeared. Not often, not as often as I would have liked, but he told me I was the only person who understood him. I think maybe he wanted me there in case you guys didn’t get the joke.”

Chris snorted into his glass. “That turned out well.”

Sam nodded tightly. “Option Two: he blames me in the same way he blames himself. I didn’t find Hannah in time, so I couldn’t stop the prank. He was passed out, so Beth had to go after Hannah by herself. We both failed at protecting the twins.”

“Jeez,” Chris whistled. “That’s pretty bad.”

“I know.” She laid her head down on her knees. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey,” Chris said, shaking her a little. “It’s okay.”

Sam wiped at her face and looked at Chris. “How are you so calm about this?”

Chris smiled. “Believe me, I’m not. I’ve probably had like ten panic attacks just this morning, but unlike you, I have a lifetime of experience in dealing with anxiety.”

“You make it sound like it’s just another bump in the road,” Sam said, smiling a little too.

“Yeah,” Chris laughed lightly before his expression sobered. “Look, I’m not sure what’s best for any of us right now. Jessica will probably be transferred to inpatient, and God knows she needs it. Mike, Matt, and I will all probably be okay just with talk therapy. Ashley is trickier, and there’s no way Emily is letting a therapist anywhere near her, at least not publicly, and- anyway, my point is, I can't tell you what to do, Sam, but if you ever need anybody to talk to about everything, my door is open.”

“Thanks, Chris,” Sam said, shifting so that she was facing him. “It’s nice, you know? The others don’t really know Josh like we do. I’m afraid of talking to them about him, because-”

“I know,” Chris interrupted. “I am too. But I think we just need to give everyone a little time.”

Sam nodded.

“Do you forgive him?”

Sam let her words hang heavy in the silence between them. It was a loaded question.

“I want to,” Chris replied simply, looking at Sam.

She smiled sadly, but said nothing.

The drive back to Sam’s car in the hospital parking lot was slow, with midday traffic trickling in and backing everything up. Chris and Sam were silent and the radio was off, but it was nice. It was nice to be in safe silence.

Sam hesitated in getting out of the car when they finally arrived.

“Sam?”

“I’m fine,” she said, breathing consciously. “It’s just, he’s-”

“Okay,” Chris said, getting out and circling to the other side to help her. “It’s fine, just get in your car and don’t look at the building. Just don’t think about it, okay?”

Sam sat down heavily and threw her purse in the passenger seat.

“You sure you’re alright to drive?”

“I’m fine,” she said mechanically, but when Chris didn’t leave, she took a deep breath and looked at him. “Really, I’m fine. Thank you.”

“Okay Sam,” he said, backing away as she started the car. “You know where to find me.”

She smiled and pulled out of the parking lot. It wasn’t even noon yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Mike catch up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved the cooperation and teamwork between Sam and Mike in that final scene. They were so in-sync, it was wild. I want to explore how that would affect their relationship afterwards. Cheers!

Josh stayed in the hospital for another week before he was placed in an inpatient rehabilitation program. They would treat him for as long as he needed, and then he’d be released. The minimum stay was three months.

Sam was back in school, same with Chris, Matt, Emily, and Ashley. Jess was in a different program than Josh, a less intense one, and Mike decided to take a semester off. Apparently, his physical therapy with his hand was going really well. His doctors said he might even regain full motion in his fingers, thought they’d be a little weaker than they were before. Things were getting better. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, but all of them were on their way.

Except for Sam.

Time passed in strange ways for Sam. Days would bleed together until she couldn’t remember if her midterm was next week or two days ago, if she’d eaten that day, or if she’d remembered to change her clothes. Everything became the same shade of gray. Food was flavorless and all she wanted to do was sleep. Her doctor prescribed her some heavy-duty sleeping pills for the nightmares, and she took them religiously. She looked at life from behind a shroud, seeing what was happening without being able to interact and without wanting to. She stood, knee deep in the river, and watched her life flow away in the current.

The day Josh was discharged, Sam had stayed home from class for the third time that week. Her grades had somehow survived the emotional wasteland she’d been trying to dig herself out of, but things were finally catching up with her, so she stayed home in her tiny apartment. It was almost ten when Mike called her, moonlight already spilling across Sam’s carpet through the gap in the curtain. They hadn’t spoken for weeks.

“Mike?” Sam rasped when she picked up, her voice rusty from disuse. “Wow, that was gross. I’m sorry.”

Mike laughed a little. “It’s fine, Sam.”

Something in his voice made Sam’s chest tighten. “What’s going on?”

Mike sighed. “Look, I just wanted to call. . . Chris said it wasn’t a good idea, but I think you deserve to know-”

“What?” Sam interrupted. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears and her eyes burned. She felt the fear bubbling in her throat, so she pressed her back firmly against the kitchen wall. “Just say it, Mike.”

“They- they let Josh out today.”

“Fuck,” Sam whispered before sliding to the floor.

“Sam?” Mike asked urgently. “Sam, are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” she puffed, hand clamped tight to her chest. “It’s just, I’m-”

“Do you need me to get you? Where are you, at home?”

Sam wiped the sweat from her upper lip. “No, Mike, it’s fine. I just. . . lost my cool for a second. I’m fine, really.”

“Well,” Mike took a big inhale and held it before it all whooshed out of him. “You know, I kinda want to come and get you anyway, so I’ll be there in fifteen.”

“Mike, don’t-!” Sam started to protest, but Mike had already hung up. She growled and stood up, hurrying to her room to cover the smell of stress-sweat and change out of her pajamas. It was the wrong time. Well, Sam guessed it would probably never be the right time, because everything was so fucked up and it seemed like it always would be.

Exactly fifteen minutes later, Mike knocked “shave and a haircut” on Sam’s front door. She swore under her breath and took one last look at herself in the mirror. Well, no matter how much concealer she smeared on her face, her eyes were puffy and dark with that bone-deep exhaustion that you just can’t cover up. She thought she’d have at least another five minutes before he actually got there, which was stupid, because he’d always been perfectly punctual in the four years she’d known him. He just had that “I’m too cool to be on time” kind of air about him that threw her off every time.

Sam swung the door open and she could tell Mike was trying to stifle the shock. She glanced at the room behind her; clothes and blankets all over the place, and dirty dishes and trash on every available surface. It was nothing like she usually was, so far from the meticulous Samantha of a few months before. She shut the door quickly.

“Heya, Sam,” Mike said softly, drawing her attention back to him. “You all ready to go?”

“Oh,” Sam smacked her forehead. “Almost forgot my purse. Thanks.”

“No problem,” he called after her as she ducked into her bedroom and returned, brown bag slung heavily around one shoulder.

Mike laughed. “Jesus, what’s in that thing? Bricks?”

Sam smacked his arm and turned to lock up. “Oh ha, ha, Michael. It’s just a water bottle, my laptop, a flashlight, an umbrella, my wallet, some socks-”

“Damn, girl,” Mike said, taking her bag from her and lifting it in the air. “You prepping for the apocalypse or what?”

“Something like that,” Sam said, smiling with pity at Mike’s immediate discomfort. She snatched her bag back and elbowed him. “It’s fine.”

“If you say so,” he shrugged, opening the car door for her. She thanked him and slipped inside while he jogged around to the other side. They both clicked their seat belts at the same time, and Mike turned to look at her.

“Alright, where to?”

Sam laughed. “You came all the way over here and you don’t even know where we’re going?”

Mike shrugged and backed out of the little parking lot outside Sam’s building. “What, like I need a plan? I fly by the seat of my pants, and you know it. And I did not ‘come all the way over here’ like it’s some big deal, Sam. I live like two seconds away from you.”

Sam snorted. “Two seconds, huh?”

“Well, if you have no ideas, and I definitely don’t, then I’ll just drive until something comes to one of us. Sound good?” Mike said, his left arm draped casually across the wheel. His fingers really were looking better, and even though the flesh was bright pink and twisted in some places, Sam could tell that his injuries would be hardly noticeable in five years. At least someone was healing.

“Sounds good,” Sam nodded, sinking low in the leather seats of Mike’s car. It was a shitty old thing, and Mike later found out was stolen by the person who sold it to him. This enraged him in particular because “why would you steal such a hunk of shit and then sell it for like nothing.” One night he and a few superficial student council buddies were fucking around with the seats. The end result was a passenger seat jammed permanently at its most reclined setting, simultaneously hilarious and annoying. After lifeguarding for the past five summers, Mike absolutely had the funds to get it fixed, but it was so funny to him that he vowed to never repair it unless he had to sell it.

And so, Sam leaned back and closed her eyes, listening to the crackle of Mike’s fucked up stereo and the cars passing by. She felt so peaceful, and yet a lingering fear in her gut told her not to open her eyes, just in case the Wendigo was there.

“Sam?” Mike asked gently, placing a hand on her forearm. “Sam, you okay?”

“Yeah,” she replied, but then opened her eyes and sat up a bit. “Actually, no, I’m not. Can we stop somewhere?”

Mike nodded. “Absolutely. What do you need?” He was always ready for anything, prepared to handle any situation, and it was something Sam had never noticed or appreciated about him until she had to.

“Just. . . somewhere with lights. Somewhere small.”

“Okay,” Mike said, switching lanes. “I know just the place.”

Ten minutes later, they found themselves outside of Black Cat Coffee, a shitty hole-in-the-wall place that Sam knew Beth loved. She’d only been inside a few times, once for the twins’ birthday and a few other times when Beth dragged Sam and Hannah away from their homework to “have some real fun,” but from what she could remember, the place was wonderful. Mike held the door open for her, and Black Cat Coffee did not disappoint. The air was heavy with the scent of tea and coffee, and warm light flooded the building. Piles of old records lined the walls and hand-painted murals by different artists covered the ceiling. Since it was so late, there were only a few other patrons, which left plenty of seats available for Sam and Mike.

Sam slid into a booth in the corner and Mike leaned on the table. “Want anything?”

“Uh,” Sam thought for a second. “Something with ginger in it?”

Mike shot her a double thumbs-up. “You got it, lady.”

While he was gone, Sam looked around. He’d let her have the spot directly in the corner so she could see all the windows and exits. It was a small gesture, but Sam could breathe easier, and that meant a lot right now. She caught her own reflection in a tall window and stared. She looked so small and pale. No doubt she’d lost weight in the months since the mountain, but it was more than that. She used to be so vibrant and full. There was energy and passion for life there, once, but now she looked hollow. God, she hadn’t been climbing once since February.

Mike interrupted her thoughts. “Okay, so they only had ginger chai. I hope that’s okay,” he said, sliding her cup to her. “I got to-go stuff, just in case.”

Sam smiled weakly. “You really are prepared for anything.”

Mike’s expression slid from pleasant to blank, but Sam could see him thinking. He was sitting on something, and must have been for the weeks they hadn’t seen each other. Maybe even longer.

“We make a pretty good team, huh?” he said finally, fiddling with the lid on his cup. His fingers twitched and froze up, like a broken toy.

“Yeah, we do.”

“Sam,” he sighed, rubbing his hands on his jeans. “I. . . never really thanked you for what you did that night.”

Sam froze. “What did I do?”

Mike rubbed a hand over his face before starting again. “I just mean, thank you for helping me. For saving me from the sanatorium and helping me in the lodge. . . I don’t think any of us would have made it if it weren’t for you.”

“Don’t say that,” Sam whispered urgently, fighting tears. “Please.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Mike replied, leaning across the table so they could hear each other. “Sam, you saved all of our lives. I’m-” his voice cracked. “Hannah and Beth would be so proud of you.”

“Mike,” she warned, but her resolve was crumbling.

In all this time, she never really allowed herself to grieve for the twins. After all, they were “missing” for so long that, even though it was safe to assume they had died, there was never really any closure. Sam spent long nights tossing and turning in bed, worried sick about them, but she never cried. The old Sam would never give up, never stop hoping that her friends were alive. Now, she was glad that she finally found out what really happened, but the truth was so fucking horrific that she’d have preferred to live in ignorance for the rest of her life.

“I’m sorry,” Mike whispered, laying his hand on the table for her to hold if she wanted to. “I just want you to come back, you know? We all do.”

Sam couldn’t force words out of her throat, just small sobs, quiet enough that no one but Mike would hear.

“Sam,” he said, voice serious. “You saved us, but you saved yourself, too. Stop acting like you died on that mountain and _live_ again.”

Sam’s mouth fell open in shock. “Are you crazy?”

“No!” Mike said, too loud. “But you are all making me feel like I fucking am! God damn it, Sam, please.”

“I-” Sam started. Her breath hitched and she clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle the noise. “Mike, I don’t know what to do. This is all so screwed up. I. . . I miss Hannah.”

After that, she couldn’t hold it in anymore and let the tears flow. She took Mike’s hand and he squeezed hard, anchoring her.

“God, what an awful way to die,” Sam gasped, wiping her eyes uselessly. “She was so sweet and gentle. She would never hurt anyone, Mike! Oh God, and Beth. . .” She couldn’t continue, and Mike held tight. Sam knew how awful he must have felt, hearing her talk about Hannah and Beth’s deaths like that, seeing as he was indirectly responsible, but it was all coming out and she just couldn’t stop it.

“Do you want to go?” he asked quietly, shaking her hand.

“Yes,” she said, sniffling. “But I don’t want to go home. I’m not ready.”

“That’s okay. We don’t have to go anywhere. Want to just drive?”

Sam shook her head. “I want to lie down. Somewhere where I can see the sky.”

If she wasn’t feeling so horrible, she might have fallen asleep in Mike’s car. It was way past the time she usually took her meds and went to sleep, so it felt weird to be awake. The world felt transient and loose, like at any moment it would all fade away and leave Sam alone in the void. As if he read her mind, Mike reached over and patted her knee. Well, if the void decided to swallow her, at least Mike would be in there too.

They stopped at an old building that used to be a supermarket. They had to jump to reach the ladder to the roof, but it felt so refreshing to haul her body to the top. Maybe she wasn’t ready for rocks yet, but that little climb felt nice, even if it was just up a ladder. Baby steps.

They lied down in the very center of the roof and stared at the sky. The light pollution was awful, but a few bright stars poked through the shroud.

“Know any constellations?” Mike teased.

Sam poked him in the ribs. “No, and even if I did, there’s only like ten stars up there.”

“They’re like us,” Mike muttered softly, almost like he was talking to himself. “Bright lights in a big darkness.”

“Why did you call me, Mike?” Sam asked suddenly, almost harshly. “I know it was about Josh, but that’s not all, is it?”

Mike was quiet for a while, staring at the sky. “No. I was trying to explain in the coffee shop, but I got. . . frustrated, I guess. I think what I’m trying to say is that it’s been really hard to do this without you. I mean, you don’t just kill a bunch of Wendigos with someone only to never talk to them again, you know?”

Sam rolled onto her side to look at him. “So what are you saying?”

Mike sighed and rolled over too. “I don’t know. We almost died together, saving everyone. We’re like veterans or something. Brothers in arms, or whatever.”

Sam shocked them both by bursting into laughter. She rolled on the concrete and slapped him, snorting from laughing so hard. Mike couldn’t help but laugh a little too, from nervousness and also because Sam looked stupid as hell.

“That’s so- fucking stupid, Mike!” she gasped, finally settling down. “Jesus Christ.”

Mike rolled off the concrete with some difficulty, then looked back at her. “Ouch.”

“Oh come on,” Sam protested, rising to sit and join him. “I’m not being serious.”

“Yeah,” he smiled and raised his eyebrows. “I know.”

“You’re right though,” Sam mused, instantly serious. “There’s no point in not speaking to each other. We’ve been through hell together, and. . . and I know Hannah and Beth would want us to stay together, you know? It would break their hearts if we all split up over this.”

Mike leaned back on his hands. “I missed you, Sam.”

“I missed you too, Mike.”

Sam woke up early the next morning to her phone vibrating right off of her bedside table. She reached for it, nearly sliding right off the bed, and swiped the screen to see that she had four missed calls from Chris and that it was only seven in the morning.

“What the hell?” Sam mumbled as her screen lit up with a call again. She pressed “accept.”

“Hello?”

Chris let out a huge breath. “Sam, hey, what’s up?”

“Um, you know,” Sam sighed, wiggling back into bed. “Just sleeping.”

“Oh, sorry.” Chris said absently, clearly not really listening. “Look, anyway, Mike texted me last night that he told you about Josh.”

That woke Sam up. “Yeah, he told me. Why?”

“Well,” Chris started, taking a gulping breath. “That’s good, because I kinda feel like I’m dying right now.”

“What?” Sam asked, rolling out of bed and pacing into the living room. “What’s happening?”

“Oh, you know,” Chris panted. “Just having an anxiety attack.”

“Uh, what do I do?”

“No, um, wow, I really should have waited to call you,” Chris groaned, and Sam could almost see him leaned over and furrowing his eyebrows. “I just, uh, I was just wondering if you wanted to come visit Josh with me today?”

Sam couldn’t breathe for ten seconds. She pressed her palm flat on her chest and counted her heartbeat, willing it back down to normal. She was getting better at this.

“I, uh-” she inhaled deeply. “Actually, yeah, I’d love to. When did you want to go?”

“Whoa, jeez,” Chris laughed nervously. “Didn’t think it would be that easy. Uh, okay. How about I calm down for a few hours and, and-”

“Want me to pick you up?” Sam asked, hand still pressed onto her ribcage.

“Yeah, yes,” Chris replied quickly. “That would be great, thank you.”

Sam sat down on her bed and let herself fall backwards, bouncing on the mattress. “No problem, Chris. See you in a couple hours.”

She hung up and let her phone slide to the floor. A good amount of time passed with her just staring at the cracks in her ceiling. The room felt brighter. The world felt real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pro Tip for everyone: you don't have to cut off Mike's fingers if you get caught in the bear trap. Just pry the trap open three times and BOOM you're free. Take care, everyone! Don't kick wolves!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Chris finally get the answers they've been looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is fucking ridiculous, but I can't stop writing this god damn fic. It's wild. Hope this isn't garbage, considering I churned all three of these chapters out within like 36 hours.

As nervous as Sam was, Chris looked like he was about ready to open the car door and jump out. They were only five minutes away from the Washington house now, and anxiety was churning in Sam's stomach.

"Sam," Chris managed, voice pinched. "I don't want to do this."

"Yes, you do," Sam said, flipping her turn signal. Only one more turn and they'd be there.

Chris sighed and rubbed his face. "Yeah, I know. I just- fuck, Sam, what do we even say to him?"

"I don't know. We'll just have to figure it out when we get there," Sam said, taking deep breaths. If her hands weren't gripping the wheel so tightly that her knuckles were white, one would be on her chest to count her heartbeats.

"I mean, how do we even know he's better, you know? Last time he was in the hospital, he came back but-"

"I know," Sam interrupted, rounding the final corner. The Washington's huge house loomed at the top of a hill, blocked by a security gate. Sam hoped the code hadn't changed in the year it had been since she visited. "Just keep your guard up."

She felt horrible saying it, but what else could they do? Josh had destroyed their trust with his prank. How were they supposed to act after that? 

Her heart was in her throat as she punched in the code and watched the gate slowly swing open, but she needed to stay calm for Chris' sake. He was so level-headed that time he picked her up from the hospital a few months before, but now he was sweating and on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. Then again, talking about Josh was one thing. Actually seeing him was an entirely different ball park. Sam pulled into the driveway and parked, then turned to look at Chris.

"Chris, it's going to be fine, okay? Mrs. Washington wouldn't let us come over if it wasn't, right?"

"I-" Chris said, exhaling and closing his eyes slowly. "You're right. Okay. It'll be fine. You're right. Let's just- let's just go."

"Atta boy," Sam said, patting him on the shoulder.

They trekked up the steep drive and stood, shoulder to shoulder at the front door.

"Ready?" Chris asked, and Sam nodded.

"Yep."

". . . Are you sure?"

" _Yes_ , Chris."

"Okay. Okay," he said. He took a quick deep breath and rung the doorbell before he chickened out. He was still so jittery that Sam reached out quickly before anyone got the door and squeezed his hand. He looked down at her a smile that was more like a grimace, but hey: baby steps.

Mrs. Washington swung the door open, big smile on her face.

"Chris, Samantha," she said, stepping back and gesturing for them to enter. "Come in, come in! Oh, it's so good to see you kids again."

"Thanks, Melinda," Chris said, and Sam was impressed with how quickly he recovered. It was probably best not to alarm Josh's mother to their fears. She probably struggled with people fearing Josh enough without his friends- or, former friends?- adding numbers to the horde.

"Okay," she said, clasping her hands together. She always rung her hands when she was nervous, so clearly Sam and Chris weren't the only ones worried about this confrontation. "Well, Josh is in his room. He's expecting you, so you can head right down."

Sam smiled. "Thanks so much for having us over."

"Oh, it's our pleasure, Samantha," she said, rubbing Sam's arm affectionately. "Josh is so happy you came."

"Yeah," Chris said, toeing off his shoes. Sam followed suit.

"Well, I'll just be in the parlor if you kids need me. Have a good time."

"We will, thank you," Sam said, taking Chris by the arm and leading him downstairs. Josh had once had a room upstairs, but when he became a young and moody teen, he self-relocated to one of the guest rooms in the basement, leading to the perfect "rich boy rebel" atmosphere he tried so hard to cultivate at that time. Sam missed those days. Even though Josh was pretty fucked up most of the time, it was so much smaller. Josh two years ago would never have been capable of what happened at the lodge.

"We're okay," Chris whispered to her as the descended the dark staircase, and Sam shook his arm lightly in agreement. The lights were usually motion-censor, but Josh must have disabled them. Maybe he was comforted by the darkness too.

Sam tapped her knuckles lightly on his door. It had a little piece of paper on it with a drawing of Sam, Chris, and Josh all smiling. It was so classic-Josh, and it make Sam's throat tight. She swallowed thickly.

When Josh opened the door, he had a shy smile on his face. "Hey, guys."

Sam couldn't speak, and let Chris enter the room first.

"Hey, man," Chris said, touching Josh's arm lightly. "How are you?"

"Good," Josh said quickly, shoving his hands in his back pockets. "I'm good. How are you?"

"That's really good to hear," Chris nodded, entering the room further. Sam was still rigid by the door, stepping slowly with her back to Josh's closet door. "We're doing good over here, too."

"You guys back in school, or. . .?" Josh said, looking at the floor somewhat guiltily.

Chris puffed his cheeks when he exhaled. "Uh, yeah. Most of us, yeah. Mike and Jess are both. . . taking some time off, but pretty much everyone else is back."

"Good," Josh said, bobbing his head. "Yeah, that's- that's really good."

They lapsed into a charged, uncomfortable silence for a full minute before Josh caught Sam's eye. She felt paralyzed by him.

"How you doing, Sammy?"

Sam flinched minutely, remembering that the last time he called her "Sammy" was when he was screaming and thrashing around in his hospital bed restraints.  She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

"Sam," Chris prompted gently.

Josh looked hurt. "You scared of me, Sammy?"

"Yes," she said before she could stop herself. A sudden wave of anger rolled over her, but was quickly replaced with hurt.

"Sam, I'm sorry-"

"Why us?" she asked, taking a step. "Why me and Chris? We didn't do anything. Why would you torture us the most?"

Josh stepped towards her too, but she retreated immediately. He sighed.

"I've- I've been doing a lot of healing, Sam, and a lot of thinking. I know now that what I did is wrong."

"You think?" Sam said incredulously.

"Sam, stop," Chris said, half-reaching for her.

"I-" Josh started, glancing back and forth between the two of them like he was afraid they would leave if he didn't make his case right, which was probably true. "It's complicated, okay?"

"So explain," Sam demanded, half angry and half desperate.

Josh took his hands out of his pockets, clenching and unclenching his fists rapidly. "You guys are my best friends. After that night, I blamed myself more than I ever blamed Mike or Jess or any of them. I hated myself for being such a fucking idiot and passing out. It was-" his voice cracked. "It was my fault that Beth ran after Hannah by herself. It was my fault they died."

"Josh-" Chris started, but Josh interrupted him.

"I'm not finished," he said, breathing loudly but slowly.

Chris nodded and held up both hands in surrender.

"I thought I was setting the prank up to punish everyone else, but I know now that I set it all up to punish myself. Chris, you've been my best friend since forever, and Sam. . . you're the last connection I have to the twins. I picked you two to be special because. . . I knew watching you two get hurt would hurt me the most. I can't explain to you how fucking sorry I am, okay? And I know that even if I could, that wouldn't fix things. I just- Fuck, I don't know. You know I love joking around. I was just fucked up and took it way too far. I- I couldn't see how wrong I was."

"Do you blame us too?" Sam asked tentatively, loosening up a little bit.

"No, no," Josh said, shaking his head and stepping forward again. This time, Sam didn't back away. "I swear, Sam, I don't." He looked at Chris. "Maybe I did once, but I- I don't think like that anymore. What happened was an accident, I see that now."

He took another small step towards Sam, and when she didn't move, he took three more until they were inches apart. Chris stood to the side, mildly uncomfortable. It was fine, though; what was happening needed to happen.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Josh said gravely, holding her gaze.

"Okay," she replied simply. Josh's eyebrow twitched.

"Do you trust me?"

Sam was quiet for a moment. "No, Josh. I can't right now."

Josh nodded and stepped back. "Okay. Okay, that's fine. I understand."

"But," Sam said, surprising herself by grabbing his hand. "I want to."

Josh turned to Chris. "Bro?"

Chris sighed. "I'm sorry, man. I can't."

Josh looked at the ground and pulled his hand away, retreating further into his room. "Makes sense," he said, dejected. His melancholy only lasted a moment before he turned around quickly, energized. "Okay, you don't trust me right now, and I get that, but I promise you, I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. All of you. I swear, I'm getting better."

"Josh, I'm sure you are," Chris said, rubbing his neck. He let his hand fall heavily at his side. "But we've heard that before, man. You're "Boy Who Cried Wolf"-ing us pretty hard right now."

"I know, I know," Josh said, squeezing his eyes shut and opening them wide again. "And I'm sorry I manipulated you like that. You don't have to believe me right now, but please let me try."

Sam crossed her arms. "Fine. But you need to listen to me. This is your last chance. Fuck up again, and you are done, do you hear me?"

"Yes," Josh nodded seriously. "I won't let you down, Sam, I promise."

Sam stared him down before turning sharply to Chris. "Chris, I want to leave now."

"Oh, uh," Chris said, eyes darting to Josh. "Okay. That's cool. I'll meet you outside, alright? I- I have-"

"No problem," Sam interrupted. "I'll see you outside."

She didn't acknowledge Josh in any way when she left his room. She marched up the stairs, trying to calm herself down in case she ran into Melinda on the way out. Who knew if Bob was home, but Sam didn't want him thinking something was wrong either. Josh seemed so much better. Why was she so upset?

She sat in her car, fuming for ten minutes before Chris finally came through the front door. The car started before he was even inside.

"So, what did you talk about?"

"Um," Chris fumbled with his seatbelt. "I just, uh- you know. Asked how he's been, asked about the hospital. He's on new meds and apparently his mom watches him take them every morning, so that's good."

Sam sighed heavily, eyes trained on the road but not really focusing on anything. "What do we do, Chris?"

"It's like you said," he shrugged, staring out the window. "We give him a second chance."

"Does he deserve one? I mean, think about  _why_ you want to forgive him," she glanced at Chris.

"What do you mean?"

Sam shifted in her seat. "I mean, I wouldn't have considered forgiving him at all if it weren't for the Wendigos and what really happened to the twins."

"You mean, like, if there was no Native American curse or whatever and the night just passed normally, you wouldn't forgive him?"

Sam shook her head. "I really don't know if I would. Maybe for the twins' sake, but it would be so much harder, and it's already hard enough. It would take years."

"And now?" Chris asked, looking at her.

Tears came quickly. "I don't know, Chris. I feel so awful about all of this."

"Hey, hey," he said, touching her arm. "You feel awful about what? I mean, specifically?"

Sam shook her head and wiped tears from her face. "I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I could ask Beth."

Chris furrowed his brows. "Why Beth?"

Sam smiled. "Hannah loved everyone, Chris. She was already too trusting and forgiving. Beth knew how to look at things objectively," she said, sighing deeply. "She would know what to do."

"Well," Chris started, shifting in his car seat. He wasn't uncomfortable, just gearing up for the following conversation, Sam was sure. "Let's think about it like Beth would, then."

"Okay," Sam said doubtfully, shrugging.

"Beth knew about Josh's. . . issues, more than anyone else did."

"Yes."

"So, I think it's fair of _us_ to assume that _she_ would assume that Josh would tailspin after a trauma."

"Okay. . ."

Chris was getting animated now, really into finding the solution to Sam's problem. His eagerness was almost always refreshing. Almost.

"Obviously, none of us could be there for him like she could have been. If anyone were capable of stopping him, it would be Beth."

"So how does that help us?" Sam asked, exasperated.

"I think Beth would have forgiven him," he concluded, crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat. "She was always fiercely protective of her family. You and I were too, once." He laughed lightly. "Josh and I used to get into so much shit at school. We'd get in fights all the time 'cause it was usually kids calling him crazy that set him off, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn't keep him from getting his ass kicked, you know?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah," she said softly.

"And I know you would have done anything for the girls," he continued. "I don't know. I know I can't tell you what to do, but  I'm trying to see Josh like I'd see a family member. We're 'bros,' right? I have to live up to that. We've known each other for more than half of our lives. I can't just. . . throw it all away."

"But you didn't throw it away, Chris. Josh did," Sam replied. She finally stopped crying, but it probably wasn't for long. "He was the one who hurt us, not the other way around."

"That's- yeah, that's true," Chris sighed, but he wasn't ready to give up. "And I- I'm not trying to justify that. I just. . . he fucked up, okay, and I know that. We all know that. He fucked up  _and_ he's family," Chris paused. "And, you know, maybe I can't forgive him yet, but I love him and I want him to get better. I still want to be a part of his life and he should be a part of mine."

They were silent for the rest of the drive to Chris' house. Sam needed to think, and Chris was one of the rare few people in the world that knew when to just shut the fuck up and let her breathe. She felt a little guilty, but honestly, she had nothing else to say. It was better for everyone if she let her thoughts tumble and settle a bit before she voiced them. Even if she tried, she wouldn't be able to think of anything to say, so it was quiet.

"Thanks for coming with me, Sam," Chris said when she dropped him off, leaning on her driver-side window. "I know it wasn't easy for you."

"It wasn't," Sam admitted. "But I'm glad I did."

Chris pushed himself away. "See you around?"

"Definitely," Sam replied, thinking of her conversation with Mike the night before. They had to stick together now.

Chris waved at her as she drove away. As soon as he was out of sight, Sam screamed and sobbed until her cheeks were bright red and snot covered her upper lip. All the rage and betrayal and fear of the past four months poured out of her. She was crying so hard she had to pull over so she could hold herself. Never in her life had she cried like that. She prided herself on being able to keep her emotions under control. If there was a crisis situation, Sam was the one people turned to, and that was a role she was more than happy to fill. Who could depend on her if she was like this? How could she even depend on herself.

As her tears faded and she calmed down, Sam decided that this was good. Things had to get worse before they got better. Maybe it was healthy to fall apart a little. Maybe she had to let herself feel it instead of just dealing with it.

"Okay, Sam," she said, starting the car and pulling back onto the road. "What would Beth do?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Four Daughters of Darkness are reunited for the first time since the lodge burned down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is suuuuper long, but-  
> I love this chapter! I love girls being friends! I LOVE JESSICA!!!

"Hello?”

“Hey, Ashley,” Sam said into her phone, trying to sound cheerful but not so chipper that Ashley would get suspicious.

She felt something uneasy and heavy in her stomach for calling, but it was easier to do it when she knew she wasn’t doing it for herself. Acting as an agent of Beth was the best decision Sam had made in months. While she would eventually, hopefully, reap the benefits of their reunion, Sam was only getting in contact with everyone from the lodge and actively trying to fix things because she decided it was what Beth would want. It was neurotic and more than a little bit ridiculous, but Sam felt more energized than she had in a long time. It became a duty, a responsibility of Sam’s, to carry out Beth’s will, and she knew she wouldn’t stop until everyone was at least on speaking terms. Well, “least” was loosely defined in Sam’s mind as “maybe I’ll contact you every few months” or “I will be civil when I see you in public,” or even “I’ll write ‘Happy Birthday’ on your Facebook wall,” which she thought were all sensible goals. Beth was reasonable and would probably settle for that. If things kept going the way Sam was expecting them to, yearly Facebook posts were about all she could ask for.

“Oh, uh, hi Sam,” she responded, immediately guarded. They hadn’t actually heard each other’s voices in months, maybe even since February, so Ashley’s reaction was justified. Chris and Ashley were now extremely close, dating unofficially in the months since the Incident, so it wasn’t like Ash was completely in the dark. She had to know why Sam was calling, and if she did, that would really make Sam’s job a lot easier.

“I’m glad you picked up,” Sam said slowly, trying to phrase her apology like anything else. To call so suddenly after so much time was already bad enough, and what she was asking for made it even worse. “It’s nice to talk to you.”

“Yeah,” she responded quietly, but Sam could tell she was sincere. “So, what’s up?”

Sam sighed. “Well,” she started, leaning on her kitchen counter and closing her eyes, bracing for Ashley’s reaction. “I was thinking I might visit Jessica today, and I was wondering if you’d want to tag along?”

Ashley went quiet for just a little too long, so Sam brought out the big guns.

“I just feel kinda bad, you know? She hasn’t had any visitors since Mike went and, well, I’m sure Chris told you what happened.” Sure, it was manipulative, but what else was she supposed to do?

“Uh,” Ashley said in a small voice. “Yeah.”

When Mike had gone to visit Jess, it had been two weeks since she was admitted, the minimum stay before visitors were allowed. Mike was obviously hurt, but he didn’t hide any of the details from the rest of them. If what happened at Blackwood was any indication, it served them best to be honest with each other.  
The moment Jess saw him, she turned into stone. Mike reached for her, as slowly as he could, he said, but she backed up so quickly that she tripped and fell, hard.

“She told me to go away,” Mike said, head in his hands. He looked so tired. “She told me she didn’t want to see me, not yet anyway. She said... she said I reminded her of them. The Wendigos. I reminded her of being taken by them.”

So he’d done as she asked and left her alone, but apparently no one else had gone to visit her except for Matt a few times. Sam had her own suspicions of what was going on there, but now wasn’t the time for speculating about the nature of their relationship. Point was, Jess’s family hardly checked on her at all. Her younger brother Bryson had reached out to Sam a week before, asking if she’d drive him to see her, but he canceled last minute. That was the last straw for Sam; someone needed to check on Jess. She deserved to know that people still cared about her.

Ashley sighed. “Okay, I’ll go. Is it just you and me?”

“Probably, but I’m about to call Em and ask if she wants to come too,” Sam sighed, rolling her neck and rubbing her tired eyes.

“Yikes,” Ashley muttered, and Sam nodded to herself. “Well, whatever happens, I want to come. I don’t want things to be so screwy between all of us anymore.”

Sam clenched her fist and gave herself a silent cheer before responding. “Alright, cool. Visiting hours end at five, so I was thinking I could pick you up around two? That would give us all plenty of time to. . . say what we need to, or anything else.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Ashley responded, somewhat distractedly. Sam wanted to say ‘see you then’ and just hang up, but Ashley obviously wasn’t finished. She took a deep breath and continued. “I miss you guys. We’ve all been so stupid about this.”

Sam wanted to roll her eyes. She was never an angry person before, and she hated that she had so much negativity inside her now, but Ashley seemed so needy and naive in that moment that Sam wanted to rip her hair out. Did this really need explaining?

“It’s not stupid, Ash,” she said calmly. “We all just needed some time. Recovering on our own instead of smothering each other was probably for the best.”

It was Ashley’s turn to sigh. “You’re right, but. . . none of us deserved to feel alone in this, you know?”

“Well, now’s the time to make up for it. I’ll see you at two, okay?” she said quickly, eager to get off the phone.

“Okay,” Ashley said softly. “See you, Sam.”

Sam hung up and squeezed her phone in her hand so she didn’t chuck it across her kitchen. It was all just anxiety, she knew, but she felt so unhinged she could have screamed. It wasn’t fair of her to take it out on Ashley. She was doing this so they could all be together again. She needed to stop antagonizing them, even if it was just in her head.  
Emily was fifth on her speed dial. She picked up on the seventh ring.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Emily,” Sam said quickly, fingers crossed that Emily wouldn’t just hang up. “I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I’m really sorry. I’m just calling-”

“So now you care?” Emily interrupted. Her voice was shaking like Sam had never heard before. “What took you so long?”

Sam searched desperately for the right words. “Em, it’s not like that, okay? Please, just hear me out.”

Emily’s sigh was watery. “Fine,” she growled.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to come with me and Ashley to visit Jess in the hospital,” she said carefully. “No one has seen her in a while, and I thought it might be nice-”

“When?” Emily asked brusquely. Sam blinked.

“Uh, I’m picking Ashley up at two. I can get you too if you-”

“I’ll drive myself. See you then.”

Sam held the phone to her ear for a solid ten seconds after Emily hung up. What the hell was that about? If getting her to agree was so easy, why did it still feel so hard? Sam finally canceled the call, deciding not to worry about it. She got what she wanted, right? Pressing her hand to her chest, she walked back into her bedroom to pick out what she would wear. It was, after all, a special occasion.

* * *

 

Sam and Ashley sat in the lobby of Jessica’s hospital in silence, waiting for Emily. They weren’t uncomfortable with each other, but tension filled the air like smoke. There was really no point in talking now; it was better to wait until all four of them were together to uncork and let loose months worth of trauma.

Emily showed up after fifteen minutes of waiting, keeping her sunglasses on even after she entered the building. Even with her eyes covered, she couldn’t hide the pink on the skin surrounding them and the snuffle of her nose. Sam felt bad for her.

“Are we doing this or what?” Emily snapped stuffily, taking off her glasses to reveal puffy, wet eyes. Sam stood and motioned for Ashley to follow her to the front desk.

The man at the counter looked up as they approached. His name tag said “Angus”. Angus had a kind smile, but Sam could see in his eyes that he was ready for any situation to go sour at a moment’s notice. He must be an orderly, then.

“Hello, ladies,” he rumbled, rolling his chair over to the computer. He searched the screen for a while before looking at them and smiling again. This time, his eyes were soft. “You girls here for Jess?”

Sam smiled. “That’s us.”

“Oh, did you, like, make an appointment?” Ashley asked uncomfortably.

“Yeah,” Sam said, taking the clipboard Angus handed to her and signing in. “I figured giving Jess a little heads up would be nice.”

“Oh,” Ashley nodded. “Yeah.”

They all signed the sheet, and as Ashley slid the clipboard back, Angus looked at Sam again.

“Listen, I’m glad you girls are here,” he said, setting the clipboard aside. “Jess doesn’t get too many visitors, and I know she gets lonely. I’m glad she’s got some friends coming to see her.”

Sam sighed and forced a smile. “We’re glad we’re here too.”

He nodded and rolled back to the paperwork he’d been looking at before. “Alright then. Jess is waiting for you all the way down that hall right there, in the room with all the tables and chairs. Enjoy your stay.”

Emily grabbed Sam’s hand and yanked her away before she could respond, but Ashley shot Angus a little apologetic smile before she shot off after them. Sam pulled out of Emily’s grip.

“Ow, Em,” she whispered so that Angus wouldn’t hear.

Emily rolled her eyes angrily. “Who the hell does that guy think he is?” She said loudly, and Sam flinched. “He shouldn’t just say stuff like that, you know?”

“Just let it go,” Sam said gently, holding Emily’s arm and forcing her to slow down. They were almost at the end of the hall, and Sam didn’t want anyone going into the situation with that much anger. “We came here to see Jess and that’s what we’re going to do, okay? Just forget about that guy.”

“Fine,” Emily whined weakly. She took some deep breaths, and when they reached the end of the hall, she looked at Sam and nodded. “Okay.”

Sam took the handle and swung the door open. The room was flooded with light, with Jess standing in the middle of a circle of squishy green armchairs. She wore loose, lightweight clothing, and her hair was down. The scars on her face were deep and angry red, but the light in her hair was golden and her smile was so soft that they didn’t look so bad. Sam couldn’t help herself and jogged over to her to catch her in a hug.

Jess laughed. “Hey, Sam,” she said. Her voice was as raspy and quiet as it had been at the police station in February, but Sam pretended not to notice.

Ashley walked over to hug her too, and Emily hung back for a few seconds before offering a reluctant and awkward hug. They all sat down and looked at each other.

“I’m so happy you’re all here,” Jess said lightly, tucking her legs underneath her. “How are you all? Are you back in school?”

“Yeah, we all went back,” Ashley responded excitedly. “And guess what: I changed my major to Creative Writing!”

Jess clapped her hands together. “Oh, good, Ashley! You must be so much happier now.”

“I really am,” she said. Her voice faltered. “I guess I realized that there’s no point in not doing exactly what I want to do, right?”

Jess nodded, and they fell into silence. It was so uncomfortable that Sam wanted to jump out of the window. They all knew what was coming, and it was inevitable. It felt wrong, like it was too soon, but as far as Sam was concerned, better sooner than later. The longer she waited, the harder it would be to rebuild their relationships. That said, she still wanted to bolt.

“I changed my major too,” Emily said out of nowhere.

“Oh,” Jess said politely, “To what?”

Emily’s persona slipped a little, and Sam could see the Emily that Beth saw. “Biomedical engineering,” she replied shyly.

Sam raised her eyebrows. “Wow, Emily. Quite the shift there. Why the change?”

Emily shrugged and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Because I’m smart as fuck and I’m not about to waste it, get me?”

They all laughed. It was weird and more than a little awkward, but Sam could almost imagine them all sitting around in the living room of the lodge, laughing by the fire. She wanted so badly to feel that way again.

“I’m glad you guys are doing so well,” Jess said, pulling her knees to her chest. Sam frowned; was this not what she thought it was? Sure, she was glad they were all sharing their progress, but it wasn’t what she brought them here for.

“How are you, Jessica?” Ashley asked gently. Sam could see that both Ashley and Emily were walking on eggshells, and she understood why. Jessica had changed so much. She seemed so much smaller.

“I’m doing a lot better,” she said, leaning to the side almost childishly. “I’m down to two meds instead of four, and they said if I go another week without an episode, they’ll let me have my phone back.”

“Oh,” Ashley responded with wide eyes. “That’s- that’s nice. We’ll have to get your new number!”

Jess nodded. “Yeah. I could have got it back in April but they wouldn’t let me because I tried to kill myself, so I had to wait until now.”

The girls took a collective inhale of shock. Sam looked at Jessica and felt her heart break. How long would she be trapped in here?

Jess looked Sam dead in the eye. “That’s why you wanted to come, right? So we could all talk about the bad things?”

Sam felt the sweat beading on her upper lip. Whatever she was expecting, an interrogation was not it. The look on Emily’s face made it clear that there was no getting out of this one.

“We don’t have to, but I think we should,” Sam said, nodding.

Surprisingly, Ashley agreed. “No one really knows what happened out there but us, and I think we have to talk about that. We’ve been ignoring our most important support system this whole time.”

“All we really have is each other,” Jess finished, looking at Emily.

“I used to be afraid to take baths,” Sam said without meaning to.

It felt small and sad, the voice of the tiny, ugly thing inside of her that thickened her blood and picked at her brain, and she hated how it sounded in her mouth. But the expressions of her friends echoed her own, and she saw the face of the creature in them too.

“It was crazy,” she continued, shaking her head to stop the tears. “But I thought- ‘how can I be sure that no one is watching me?’. I would check everywhere for cameras, and when I never found any I’d still cover myself any time I heard the tiniest sound.”

“You’re not crazy, Sam,” Jess soothed, leaning over to place a gentle hand on Sam’s wrist. She was lighter and softer than Sam had ever seen her, and she carried her darkness with strong arms.

“I used to look for cameras too,” Ashley added, backtracking immediately. “Oh, I mean, obviously it’s not the same, I just-”

Sam smiled, stopping her. “I know, Ash. Thank you.”

“They didn’t let us have curtains, at first,” Jess said, running her hand up and down Sam’s forearm absently. “They didn’t want us to kill ourselves, so. . . so I was scared. I thought the Wendigo was watching me every night until they decided I was better,” she shrugged. “We all get to be afraid.”

Emily shook her head. Sam had seen her cry before, but not like this. Old Emily never let the tears fall, but now she couldn’t seem to stop them.

“I’m not afraid anymore. I’m angry. I could scream, I’m so fucking mad.”

“At what?” Ashley asked fearfully.

“At _us_!” Emily cried, standing and throwing her hands in the air. “How could we _do_ this to each other?”

Sam reached for her. “Em-”

“No!” Emily whirled on her. “I’m sorry for killing Hannah, okay, Sam? I’m sorry every fucking day for killing the twins. I’m sorry I was so evil and mean.”

All three of the other girls moved to interrupt, but Emily steamrolled on. Her eyes were streaming tears and she could barely get the words out, but she obviously needed to. She turned to Jess.

“Jessica, I have been such a bitch to you. I’m sorry I ever let a guy get between us. I’m sorry I didn’t value our friendship as much as I should have.” She sighed deeply before turning to Ashley. “And Ash. . . I’m so sorry I slapped you. You were just scared, and I get it now, okay? And I’m sorry I pushed you-” she cut herself off with a sob. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. . .”

Ashley wasted no time in jumping out of her seat to wrap Emily in a hug. They clung to each other tightly, and all four of them were openly weeping now. Sam had the intrusive thought that the twins would love to see this, and her heart ached.

“I wish the twins were here,” Jess said suddenly, and Sam laughed in surprise.

“I was just thinking that,” Emily said, smiling and pulling away from Ashley. They patted each other’s arms before returning to their seats. It was wild to see the two of them get along, and Sam was extremely impressed with Emily. They’d all changed so much.

Ashley interrupted Sam’s thoughts. “Guys,” she said, picking at her nails. “I have something to tell you.”

Sam pressed her palm flat to her chest.

“Is it bad?” Emily asked, wiping her eyes carefully to preserve her makeup.

Ashley scrunched her eyebrows. “Uh, I don’t know. It’s sad and I don’t really know how to say it but I know you’ll all want to hear it, because. . . it’s about Josh.”

Sam felt like she’d been kicked in the gut, and she felt all eyes on her. She fought to keep calm.

“What is it?” Jess asked, coming to her rescue.

Ashley took a deep breath, wiping her hands on her leggings. “Okay, so,” she started, eyes darting nervously across their faces. “If we weren’t already aware before all this, we all know now that Josh was really sick for. . . for a long time,” she said, eyes landing on Sam.

At the police station, Sam had broken down and told Mike more about the papers she had found in the basement with all of Josh’s medical information on them. Obviously she didn’t remember specifics, but the information she did have trickled on to all of them, and it became common knowledge that Josh had been struggling with something pretty insidious for most of his life.

“And he wasn’t ever very good about taking his medication and stuff like that. Josh said Beth thought he wasn’t trying-”

“What did you say?” Sam interrupted, hand clenched tightly around the doughy green armrest. “Have you been talking to him?”

“No, no,” Ashley said, waving her hands. “No, Chris has just been seeing him again lately, okay? Please don’t be mad, Sam. He just wanted to know why, you know? And he wants me to tell you guys too.”

“Why, then?” Jess prompted, letting her hand hover over the one that Sam had clamped onto the chair. She seemed so relaxed that Sam couldn’t help but loosen her grip a little.

Ashley continued, getting into it in the way Chris often did when he was passionate about a subject. “Okay, so, all of the medication they were giving him was for depression.”

“So?” Emily asked, finally done fiddling with her eyelashes.

“So Josh wasn’t depressed,” Ashley scooted to the edge of her seat. “He’s schizophrenic.”

“His medicine wasn’t working,” Jess said, nodding knowingly.

“Exactly,” Ashley said. “Anti-depressants and anti-psychotics affect different parts of the brain, right? So all his meds ever did was make him even sicker.”

Sam couldn’t breathe. “So, at the lodge-”

“He couldn’t know what he was doing was wrong, Sam,” Ashley’s voice cracked and she shook her head. “He was completely out of touch with reality, and Chris said Josh told him that- that-”

“It’s okay, Ashley,” Jessica said, reaching her other hand for Ashley to take.

“Josh heard them, you guys,” she said through her tears. “Hannah and Beth. He hallucinated seeing Hannah and Beth every day, looking all dead and stuff, telling him over and over that it was all his fault that they died.”

“Shit,” Emily breathed, looking at Sam.

“He tried to kill himself,” Ashley sobbed. “He almost died and nobody helped him. We all just dumped him after they disappeared because we felt so bad. He was all alone.”

Sam leaned forward to put her head between her knees. “I think I might vomit.”

“So,” Emily said after a few seconds of thinking. “So, what? What are we supposed to do with that?”

Ashley shrugged uselessly. “I don’t know, Emily. Whatever you want, I guess. I just had to tell you guys. He doesn’t hate us, okay? He didn’t do it to hurt us, not really. It’s not his fault.”

“I’m so happy,” Jess said into her hands. When she wiped her tears away, she was smiling. “I’m so happy,” she repeated.

“Why?” Emily asked, not unkindly.

“It’s so much easier to forgive him now,” Jess said softly, wrapping her arms around herself. “We’re so close, you guys. We’re so close to being free.”

Sam lifted her head and looked at her friends and felt something strong seize her heart. Her body felt so light, and it wasn’t until Jess caught her eye that she realized: she wasn’t alone anymore. Regardless of Chris’ rescues and Mike’s spiel about “brothers in arms,” it took all four of the girls finally talking to make Sam realize how precious these people were to her. She was proud of herself, and not for the reason she thought she would be. She did what she had set out to do, and while Beth made a great vehicle for motivation, Sam only just realized that she didn’t do this for Beth.

She did it for Ashley,

for Emily,

for Jess,

and she did it for herself.


End file.
